I have asked for a lot of things in my lifetime. I have asked for situations to happen, for situations to be over, for certain people to be in my life, and for others to no longer be. I have asked for countless presents as a child, and actually still do, although most of the presents I ask for, I buy myself. That is the part about being an adult that kind of is great. Other parts of being grown up- having to pay for all those things I want, not so great. As I grow older, I find myself not asking for "things" but rather feelings, feelings of peace, joy, contentment. I have come to realize that for the most part "those things" are not what bring those feelings. Oh contentment may come with a cup of hot chocolate warmly sitting in my stomach, but it is a fleeting moment. But then are not all moments fleeting? Sometimes I get so caught up in not wanting the moment to end that I forget to enjoy the moment itself.
I remember my daughter dancing in the Nutcracker when she was younger and I was taping it so we could watch it again. I was lucky that she had several performances and I realized I was not really enjoying her dancing while video taping. I do not think we ever actually watched the video tape. So many moments we want to catch to relive them but we never can. The moment is gone. It is nice to look back at pictures and remember times, but the majority of pictures I have of my family are posed. "Hey, look at the camera.", we all smile and then go back to what we were doing, which may or may not have been a happy moment. We are conditioned to smile, well at least adults are, kids will do what they want, when someone is taking our picture. Why is that? Is it because we do not want anyone to see who we really are?, what we are really thinking?, that for the most part we do not really want to be there, but some unseen force has drawn us to the situation we are in and we are making the best of it? I admit, I like looking at a picture where someone is smiling. It makes me feel good inside, and maybe invokes a smile inside of me. I doubt anyone really wants to feel anger, fear, unhappiness, I know I don't.
I still ask for a lot. Just tonight I was looking out my apartment balcony and felt a pang of loneliness for the stars. It is a cloudy evening, but even on a clear night, we may see 10-12 stars, because of all the bright lights of the city. I wondered while I was contemplating on how I missed the stars if they missed me? If they missed the wonder I would invoke at looking at them, how I would talk to them as if they were my friends, and ask pondering questions of them. Why I think they would answer I don't know, but for some reason they brought peace to my Soul. I look forward to the day when I can stand on a balcony and see millions of stars and talk to them again. I know I can talk to them now, but it is not the same. Just as we can talk to a loved one that has passed, or even a friend that has moved away, but it is not the same as being in their presence.
I am listening to Christmas music as I write this, even though it is only November 8th. It is one of the many modern marvels that allows me to listen to any kind of music, anytime I want. Christmas music evokes certain memories, ones I choose to remember, candy coated as they may seem. First, as a child waiting for that one Christmas present that I had asked Santa for, and then watching my
So back to moments. So fleeting. Our lives are made up of one moment at a time. As I get older, the moments seem more precious than when I was younger. It may be the fact that I know that my moments are limited. As a youngster, we do not think of such things, at least we should not have too.
Enjoy your moments. They are so precious and so few.
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