Where is your attention?

    

    My cat knows something is up.  I am getting things ready to go to my daughter's for her wedding this weekend.  I am cleaning, preparing, doing laundry, making sure things are in order.  We live in a small space, so my cat, Jasmine, knows where I am most of the time.  She lost track of me this morning and I saw her walking into my bedroom pensively, ears twitching, listening, looking, wondering.  I called to her and she came running, meowing, tail straight up, as if to say, "I thought you were gone."  I was close all the time.  This is how I feel sometimes when I am not connected with my Creator.  I have a moment of panic, fear takes over and the mind starts it chattering.  And then I stop, listen, breathe and feel.  Sometimes it takes more than that, I rant and rave first, frustration ringing out from me, only to hear a quiet prodding, "I'm here, I never left, you just let your attention go in a different direction."
     We have all felt human disconnection at one time or another, or a multitudes of times; the first time your mother leaves without you, your child's first day away from you, a friend moves away, your lover goes on a trip.  We like being connected as social media has so well shown.  But in the end, who are we really trying to connect with?  Are the disconnections in our lives a way to show us that although the person we are missing may be not in our physical presence, we always have a deeper connection with something else that is much more glorious?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder......

    

 Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  We've all heard this phrase before and most likely felt it.  It is used most used in romantic or family relationships contexts.  But what if this was the reason we are here?  On this earth, in this place that we do not understand with all its complexities, twist and turns.  When we are with someone we love we sometimes forget what they bring to the relationship, how much richer our lives are for their presence. Familiarity and habit tend to make us unappreciative of what we have.  But it seems when they are away, we are more able to delve into why it is they are in our lives and that longing we feel to have them back is that feeling of what is missing when they are gone.  I'll be honest, I do not feel this way about all the people that have come into my life.  
     Sometimes absence brings healing.  Being away from a situation or certain people brings clarity, we may have needed them in our lives at that moment, we must have, or they would not have been there. Not all people are meant to be lifelong participants in our short lives in this world.  As I am writing this, the phone rings and my husband calls to talk to me.  He has been gone 3 days.  He calls me everyday, yesterday 3 times.  It reminds me of our deep commitment to each other, we've been married 33 years, a blessed relationship where we have learned to support each other through life's ups and downs, and continue to learn.
     There is another relationship that is more intimate and has been with me since my beginning.  There are tons of arguments of just when that was, but it is a mute point.  The point is this relationship is the most important one of my life.  The one with my Creator.  Although my Creator is always talking to me, I am not always listening.  I can tell when I have stopped.  My life is jagged, hard, wrought with tears, worries and fears.  When I finally stop to listen, life is easier, joyful, fun.  It is always my choice not to listen.  I do not know why I do it, I know the consequences, I feel scattered, unworthy.....just like I know the consequences of eating pizza, I love it, my body not so much, bloated, slow, heavy; the price I pay for enjoying a culinary delight.  When not listening, I wonder what my purpose is, why am I here, what is the point?  As I am drawn back into the loving space that is my Creator, I am filled with peace, excitement and joy.  Why do I not listen all the time?  Is it so I can understand my Creator more?  I sometimes ponder why would anyone in their right mind come to Earth, agree to be Human, knowing they will not have that 100% connection at all times?  I imagine that being at One with my Creator is like bathing in a white light and all there is Love.  I felt this intensely one time, I know it to be true, well at least my truth.  But maybe, just maybe my reason for falling to Earth, (a metaphor for no longer being one with the One), is so I can experience what it feels like not to be "in" 100% love all the time.  That by being away from my Creator, I am learning whom my Creator is.  And who I am.  Sometimes I am the wave reaching for the shore, knowing my destination, other times a wave in the great expanse of the ocean, melding with the other waves on one no particular course.  As I write this, I am in awe and appreciation of the gifts I have been given, the greatest one being this seeking heart.  I seek in the situations created in my life, the people who show up, the animals, the flora, the sky, the very breath I take.  And the journey will continue until I have exhausted every avenue available to me, until I am satisfied that I have experienced my Creator in all ways and I am ready to return home.

Am I The Best Me Possible?

   

 What does it mean to be the best me possible?  I have grown up in a society that always strives for better, bigger, perfection.  Perfection is in the eye of the beholder, but that is not what we are taught.  Who is the beholder?  Is it I or them?  Which one matters?  Growing up it was "their" opinion that counted, was I pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough, something enough.....to belong in "their" group whatever group that was.  The belonging still goes on.  Am I good enough for this job?  Do I do enough to keep this job, to make my bosses happy....the list continues.  And with family, oh family, that is the kicker.  We do what our parents tell us so that they will either be proud of us, notice us, or not notice us.  That is until we realize that they are just making it up as they go along, as is everyone else, it is just the some people are better bullshitters than other.  There is no group, no perfection, there is just us.  Us, swirling around on this planet, trying to make sense of what is going on, and making it all up along the way.  Some of us make up pleasant stuff, other's not so pleasant stuff.
        I love journals.  Especially new ones.  I have a habit of writing about 20 pages in a journal and then putting it down, and then finding a new, prettier one, one with fresh pages for fresh ideas.  I sometimes go back and read what I have wrote, and lament that I am in the same "space".  Still in debt, still overweight, still not 100% happy.  Although in some of those journals I wish I was that "fat" again which was 30 pounds less than now.  I am learning to not lament in my journals, but to rejoice in what I have and project what I want for the future.  Haven't figure out the time/space continuum as yet to receive what I want in a timely matter, (my time)  but I do have proof in my life that most of what I have asked for, I have received.  Even the things I "didn't ask" for, I did, through my energy and actions.
    Which brings me back to the original question, "Am I the best me possible?" and what does that mean for me.  I have always been the best me possible, because that is who I am.  I struggle, I laugh, I cry, I lament, I sing, I learn.  As I continue to learn and accept who I am, I fall more and more in love with me.  The best me possible.