Rambling #649

  

   I used to want to know everything.  Why I was in the world, why things happen, happy and sad things, how my world really worked, and sometimes I still do.  But then, I also remember that when I did find out something mind-blowing, I was happy for a while, but then sometimes would wish I had never found the information out, that I could step back into my tiny box and hide from the “knowingness”.  The recent attack in Manchester has me rattled, but not in the way most people are.  I have delved into so many different ways of thinking and looking at the world, starting out with basic religion, studying Christianity, Buddhism, Abraham, The Secret, Reiki, Shamanism, Wiccan and more, reading countless Christian authors, New Age authors, although I do not know why they are called “New Age” because their teachings are found in almost all religions, just packaged differently, and I guess I am still seeking the truth.  My truth. 

     I looked up the word “truth” for its definition and here were the first three that popped up:  1- the quality or state of being true, 2- that which is true in accordance with fact or reality, 3- a fact or belief that is accepted as true.  Number three rings true for me (ha, ha).  The majority of us accept as truth that we are born, we live a life, we die.  In between being born and dyeing, we live a life.  I do have the belief that we all choose a life on Earth.  We may not have read the fine print (who really does?), like a travel package all we see is “Fun!  Sunshine!  Relaxation!” or whatever your particular vacation would look like, I honestly do not remember the part about Sorrow, Broken hearts, Disease, Hardships etc.  I am still not clear if we choose our death in the beginning or if it has to do with the choices we make while we are here.  There are so many.  One of my favorite Dr. Who episodes is when Donna has the choice to go right or left.  If she chooses right, the world ends, if she chooses left, life goes on as normal, whatever that may be.  In the beginning, she chooses right, and then has to travel back in time in order to choose left.  I don’t know if we have that luxury.  Although there is a belief out there that parallel Universes exist with all the choices we have made, we are just not “in tune” with them.  I can understand why, it is hard enough to keep up with all the is going on with the one we are in tune with. 

      So. what is the point of this rambling?  I am not sure.  Just a reassurance to myself that all is well, that I am not in control, although I like to believe I am, that I do not have to know what is going on, I just have to, well that is it, I do not know what I am supposed to do.  Sometimes I think that petting my cat and being aware of her happiness and my happiness is enough, but then again sometimes I think I have to save a world that does not want saving.  

A year in an apartment- extended

   

      So here we are.  Back in San Antonio.  In an apartment.  The apartment search was rough.  We looked at over 25 apartments, driving all around the San Antonio area, acting like an episode of "House Hunters", my husband even jokingly said we couldn't make a decision because we didn't have a glass of wine while we were discussing the different pros and cons.  We finally settled on an apartment that was central to our wants and needs.  We know this area, in fact my first apartment is about 5 miles from us.
     The first couple of weeks is always a flurry of things to do, unpack, figure out where everything will go, adjusting to new light switches (I had just gotten used to the closet light switch being on the inside and now it is on the outside), changing addresses on accounts, and buying things for the apartment, because each place has its own needs.
      Now the quiet descends.  My husband has weird work hours right now, and adjusting to a different routine is not his strong suit.  He likes having me here when he leaves and when he gets home, and has asked me not to look for a job until things settle down and/or after our vacation to Colorado at the end of July.  That is a long time for me to not have anything to do.  I thought it would be super hard to find something to do all day, but I have found it is quite easy to waste the day away, Facebook, Pinterest, reruns of my favorite shows.  I sometimes feel guilty that I have all this time, and I should be reading my upteen books I haven't read, I should be meditating, doing something constructive, but then I realize I am doing something constructive, just by being here and because I am not in a frenzy of having so much to do, I notice things more, I acknowledge things, people, plants, etc.
     The other day I was at the grocery store and I noticed an elderly gentleman on a bench.  I stopped and smiled at him and he smiled back.  It was so simple, but it was an acknowledgement of his existence.  There are so many times I have been in a hurry that I did not realize what was happening around me.  It is so easy for me to get caught up in my mindless thoughts that I forget to think, see, hear, breathe.  I have also noticed in my mindless thinking that stray memories are popping into my head of times when I got mad about things that did not really matter.  As the memories came up, I silently said the Ho'oponopono prayer, "I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you."  I've even giggled out loud sometimes as these memories pop into my head, and my husband will go "What is so funny?" and I just laugh and say, "Oh just a silly memory popping up in my head."  So, maybe this down time is not so much for him, but for me.  I will enjoy this time.  I will appreciate that I have been given this opportunity to learn more about myself, about others, and continue on this one of a kind journey.