I walked away
from wine today. It no longer held its
mystique for me. I have known a lot of
good wines and they have enhanced my life and I have known some not so good
ones, and they also enhanced my life in their own way. I see this as a parallel to my life- people
that have come and gone, experiences I will never have again, experiences I
never dreamed I would have and so many more that I will have. I am not sure when and why it happened that I
forgot about the magic of what life is really about. There was such a long period of my life when
things “just happened” that I wanted to happen and then I lost touch. I do not know in my searching for ways to
make what I wanted to happen faster, easier, it turned into such work. Reading and doing and hoping and disappointment
raveled all together in this space continuum time thread. I have a feeling I want to just Be, but I do
not know what that really means. Letting
go of dreams? Of goals? Of allowing life
to unfold at its own pace? It already
does that without help from me, so I do not know if I am here to experience just
that or if I am here to add to the experience- and is just allowing the moment-
is that enough to add to it or am I here to do more? To have an experience that no one else has-
and is allowing or having the same thing?
My mother once
told me to careful what I read. I told
her the same thing. To me her books were
narrow-minded, all saying the same thing, but as I recall the books I have read
in the last 20 years, mine have been too.
I am at an impasse, on one hand I am reading books that delve with the
Ego and how to get what it wants and on the other hand, books on how to connect
with the Soul and make my Soul the Master of my journeys.
It seems to me
our world has been Ego based for so long- or else we would not want to be continually
killing each other, whereas a Soul based world would understand the oneness of
all- that there is enough, that all is well, but again, a Soul based world
would also understand that there is no beginning and no end, so being killed or
experiencing death is a natural consequence of life.
In the Ego world, we hold on, we attach ourselves to things, to people,
to places, to experiences, in the Soul world, we allow whatever comes to us.
I do not think it
is ever a struggle between good and evil, but trying to balance the
relationship with Ego and Soul. So many
teachings I have read say that our Soul is our inner connection with our
Creator, but I cannot also help but wonder if our Ego is just as connected, but
in a different way. When we pray,
meditate, hear beautiful music, see a baby smile, a majestic mountain or sit on
the beach, listening to the waves crash, our Soul fills with happiness and we
have a moment of peace, but when we see or feel something that horrifies us,
makes us sad, brings despair, is this actually a moment that turns us to our
Soul? To allow the Soul to turn this
ugly moment into a cleansing, purifying moment? And so, if this moment, even if it was bad, brought us back to our Soul, our Being, was it really bad? And do we ever get to the point of not having to have those "ugh" experiences just to bring us back to our Souls? Or is this life just a balancing act of beautiful and "ugh" moments, until we accept the "ugh" moments as beautiful too?
Have you ever
been in a situation where you know you could help, but was not able to or you
were not asked and you were upset because you know the situation could have
ended better if you could have helped? I
have an idea that this is how our Souls feel.
If we could just learn to hand over our problems, our devastating experiences,
or even just the small ones that pinch a nerve, to our Souls, we would be
healed and so would the experience and all those involved. There are so many tools we have made up to
help us do this, not understanding how simple it is to just allow and let go.
But, then again,
who am I to say what experiences of this life anyone else should have and honestly,
no one is knocking down my door to ask me how to live a more peaceful
life. I write blogs with the insights I
have been given in hopes that I might make a difference in one person’s life,
but is that person actually me? Giving,
receiving; breathing in, breathing out; living, dying- it is all reciprocal,
one big circle. And suddenly I am in a
moment of bliss, balance. My Soul
understands that I could not write this without the Ego and my Ego understands
I could not write this without my Soul.
As with my life, my Soul understands there would not be this life
without the Ego, and the Ego understands there would not be this life without
my Soul. A partnership of the grandest
kind.
.
.
End note: I do not
know if I am physically giving up wine, but I am giving up the notion that I
have to have it. I have often bought
wine just because someone was doing a tasting and if the wine was tolerable
because I have been in that situation where my worth was wrapped up in how many
bottles I could sell. So maybe instead
of empathizing with that person by buying a bottle, I heal that part of me that
feels compelled to act in this way. It
is the feeling or compelling that needs healing, not the actual act of buying
the wine.
.
End note#2- I never know what I will write. An idea comes into my head and I form
sentences in my mind, but once I get started, I usually end up somewhere
else. Lost in the moment, I allow what
transpires. I fancy that someday in the
future, someone will find my writings in the Colorado mountains-ancient
scriptures and they name them “The Colorado Scrolls”, but they won’t know the language
and will interpret them the best they can.
Where does this thought come from?
Having to make a mark, having to be remembered? Something else to hand over to the Soul. I find myself chuckling as I write this
because I see my Soul putting on its work boots, heaving a big sigh of “Finally”,
and growing ever bigger with each time I allow and release. A big white light radiating outwards,
encompassing my very being and instead of going into the light, I Am the
Light.
