This is a question I ask myself quite often these days. Especially as I sit here at 6 am, up since 4, not being able to sleep. I strained my back yesterday helping my husband bring up a box of photo albums. I have 20 photo albums in all. They serve as reminders of days gone by. What is my obsession with the past? Although I enjoy looking at the pictures, they keep me in the past, and I miss the present. Obviously though there is something I do not like about the present, or I would not be looking at the past. We all have a past. We enjoy reminiscing about the good times and not so good times. Sometimes we try to "up" each other with our stories of woes or accomplishments, but to what end?
To function in this particular world, we must learn. Learn how to speak, read, count, spell, work a computer or whatever functions our jobs may require us to learn, all so we can have a place to live, eat, do things, buy stuff. Living in the apartment, I cannot buy much, and I continue to purge, but I still find myself drawn to the stores, to look, to touch, to want. I don't know if it so much that I want more "stuff" or that I want to be around others like me without having to "be" around them. We are all shuffling about, minding our own business, but all feeling together as we do it together alone.
I have read many points of view of what our life is supposed to be about, not all of them, but so far none of them ring true. Oh I do get on kicks of, "That's it! That's what I'm existing for!", but after awhile I grow weary of that existence. And so what happens when we grow weary of our existence? Anther one comes our way? These are questions I ponder when I cannot sleep, when I am not busy doing nothing. Or when I am busy doing nothing and I wonder why or what I am doing it for.
Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of complete surrender to the Universe, where beauty is everywhere, where I feel I am connected to everything. And maybe that is the point, to get to that place where I am connected at all times. But then how or why did I ever disconnect? There is one belief that we were at one time connected with All That IS, but then decided to break away and find out for ourselves what "It" was all about, but then find that we are always searching for a way back to "It." There is a another belief that Life lives itself through us, through our experiences, but then what happens if we no longer want to live that life that Life is living through us? And still more beliefs, more stories, to the point of confusion as to what it is we are really about.
I am trying to reason with myself to not post this, not that many people read it, but some may think this is a "negative" blog (but then who decides what is positive or negative?), some may think "That girl is lost", or has "lost it", some may say they can show me the way, the truth and the light, and others will just see it as rantings of another lunatic. I don't know where the words come from, or the thoughts, all I know is that they need to be written, released from me to somewhere out there.
Release. Let Go. Surrender. Deep breath. Peace.
